you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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