Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
