I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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