Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
