I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
