So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
