Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
