my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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