Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
