the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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