i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it's like iHOP with fire
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
