Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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