I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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