i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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