he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
