remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!