I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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