I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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