i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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