turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
