I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
