I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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