He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
