Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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