made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
