What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This is my gift to your gina
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
