He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
