when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
