I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
