I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize