It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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