you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
