I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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