***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
