What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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