gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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