Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
