our cab driver is having phone sex.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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