Jerry, you need to find god
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
