I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
