vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
