New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
