K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
