I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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