Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
