every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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