ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
