U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Randomize
