i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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