so that wasnt chicken after all
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
