Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
