My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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