You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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