I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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