i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
