never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
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Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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