take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
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Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
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all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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