So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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