I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
