I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
